Do not eat the stew. You have been warned.

Yes, I have enjoyed my hiatus. I have had to choose between sleep and blogging, and have really enjoyed getting to bed at about 9:30 the past few weeks. All is well with us. We had a rat in the house. A real one. I bought, baited, and set the trap myself. I then twenty minutes later placed the still twitching creature into a freezer bag and put it in the freezer--my kids were already asleep and I had also promised Jacob he could see it. It still resides there, causing my stomach to turn over every time I open the freezer, which is quite often since I have given up cooking in favor of taking it easy. One can never have enough Bagel Bites, I say. Besides Rat, we are anticipating a great Christmas. We wish yours Merry as well, since I can assume I will neglect this little chore for some time more.

A due date is a wonderful thing

I went to the doctor this week and the idea of being pregnant was solidified by the ultrasound, not only giving me a due date but a picture of the little creature. I say creature as at this age, they are really quite grotesque in the black and white grainy shots transmitted through the blue jelly and layers that separate us. Really quite haunting, but what a mover. Constantly wiggling-and I really had no idea that they moved much yet. Regardless, I am due on May 12th, with a promise of induction a week to ten days early. So this pregnancy is valid now. To me anyway.
We are trying to leave for Phoenix on Saturday, however, if we do that our children will not be able to go trick or treating. See, in a small Texas town, when Halloween is on Friday, they move it to Saturday so that everyone can still go see the Friday night lights. So, if we leave we will miss it. We are in a bit of a conundrum. But that will solve itself in time and the children will not go without, that is a promise.

Between Tink and Tumbling, we are kept busy

So Ava started Tumbling today, after two weeks of hype and missed classes. She enjoyed it immenseley. Especially the marshmallow rewards and sucker at the end. The teachers told me she did wonderful. Well who wouldn't when there is candy involved? Regardless, she did have fun and came away from class very excited.

Another interesting development is Tink. A little brown, tick indfested chihuahua we adopted from the Seymour pound two days ago, whose collar says Tinker. She is cute, however already corrupted by Fritz. See Fritz leaves our house for Ryann's as soon as my tires clear the drivaway. I have to go get him or call him home when I return from wherever I have gone. Well Tink now leaves too. Although, not as hardy, twice she has given up on the journey to Ryann's and ended up at the neighbor's. Either that or she doesn't like us. Time will reveal her true nature. Or the bobcat will get her. We shall see.

I am pregnant...again

I will try to muster some enthusiasm and pep as I redo the announcement of this pregnancy. I am pregnant with my fourth child; the child that ushers in a new time of my life. I struggled with the decision to have another for months, as many of you knew, and I finally relented at the insistence of my Heavenly Father-who else, right? But even now I am reticent about sharing my true self. Simply because I would hate for Rory or Levi to think themselves unwanted, which is not the case...and yet. No, I do want more. I just wanted my happy little family too. Now I feel like four has opened the floodgate for five, seven, even ten. Why not, I have the time. So, the resignation to be the mom of many has been a slow one. But I am there.
So to keep you in the loop. I am ill. Some days, very. Morning sickness constantly. There is also the fact that I cannot sleep and walk around exhausted. But other than that, all is well. All is well.

You didn't miss much

I am back from a blogging hiatus--you missed nothing. Reno and Effie are in pre-school and gymnastics, Effie is in ballet, and Ava is fine. Although to not leave her out entirely, she did throw up last night. All is well today though. I am still battling morning sickness, but I think that it is on its way out. Really, in all this time I have not a thing to report. I am going to spend the majority of next week in Dallas with Jason, and perhaps while I am there something of interest will come to me and therefore you.

I don't know what "Thats what she said" means

Generally, I appreciate not having a tv. I have been without basic tv channels for over two years and without a tv (dvd and vcr) in our home for about three months. But I regret missing the Olympics, apart from some diving and women's beach volleyball very early on. I actually don't even know the results of most events. But more that the Olympics, I am so out of the loop when it comes to the Office that I can't even tell you the basic story lines. I missed the entire season last year. The last one I watched was when that annoying guy sang, "Take a Chance on Me" and now he is proposing? Being a mother is like having blinders on in so many ways. To end on a less negative note, I can always watch the Office on DVD; I can't get back the time with my kids, can't just record it and watch it someday to catch up. Plus, who would want to see some of these "precious" moments with your children again? So much for that negative note.

I'm not sure this is normal behavior

(the following were taken from real phone conversations between Ryann and myself)

R: Chicken from Wal-Mart, still in the bag, thawed out for two days in the fridge. What do you think?
K: Does it smell ok?
R: Yes.
K: Go for it.

K: Yogurt, expired three days ago, unopened? Still good?
R: Definitely. I have eaten it a week after it has expired.

K: Chicken, unopened, three days 'til it goes bad, but it smells really weird. Do you think its bad or just the packaging picked up some funky odors?
R: Toss it. No doubt about it. Why risk it?

This dialogue could go on and on. It seems that every week, one of us is calling the other with some question about the healthfulness of food that deep down we understand is unsafe. Sausage, roast, eggs, hamburger meat- nothing is exempt. Why do we push the issue? On one hand, we realize that those that label food have to be extra precautious concerning the general masses of Americans purchasing food. I mean, they have reason to worry. Tomato farmers are fixing to sue the powers that be over that salmonella scare earlier this summer. So I feel that sometimes, the dates are guidelines that will keep us safe if followed, but its a proceed at your own risk if they are disregarded.
For Ryann and I, I really think that not respecting the food authorities is not the issue at all. I think that we--I will proceed on my own from here on out-- I think that I am just really lazy and procrastinate too much. I procrastinate cooking the meals I planned until they are of a questionable smell, color, expiration date. Then laziness takes over and I refuse to go to the store to remedy my situation, choosing a possible food-borne illness to venturing out into the world in search of safe meals. I also want to point out that this has nothing to do with me being frugal and not wanting to waste food. I am actually fine to throw out 3 unopened containers of cottage cheese that expired before the fourth of July, and not think twice about the cost.
So the sum of it all is that I will feed my family food that is of questionable nutritional value and associated with potential health risks. Normal? Not sure. But that uncertainty is not enough to make me more label conscious, or un-lazy.

This is it for me

So the point of this endeavor (blogging) was to unearth my pre-mama self and give her a voice. I now realize, as I am sure you did weeks ago, she doesn't exist. Far too much of my personality, habits, likes, and dislikes have changed since Reno was born. And I honestly say that with no remorse. I am happy. That was not always the case.
So from now on, this will strictly be (what it has always been to you) me rambling-sometimes cleverly- about my life as I now see it. Feel free to navigate away from this site.

She loves me, she loves me not

So back to that whole baby thing. I am over it-not that I was ever really that excited about it in the first place. I am pretty neutral about the addition or lack thereof. Is this sounding harsh? I am not trying to, its just that Jason really wants more, and I am fine to not.
Enough about that, but I think that it is indicative of my personality. I find that I am discovering that I am not really that committed to much. I tend to start lots of things and drop them almost immediately. And unfortunately in my fury of excitement and insistence that I have the latest object of my obsession, I waste lots of time, effort, and especially money. To name a few: the piano, clarinet, and fiddle (and I will not classify my guitar as such, for the simple fact that I feel like any moment now I might unlock that hidden talent), scrap booking, having Heidi be an inside dog, having dogs in general, having Fritz be an inside dog, my garden. These things have ended up collecting dust, or dead (the garden, fruit trees in the backyard, and Heidi --and to be honest, I wouldn't lose much sleep if the bobcat struck again and snagged Fritz as well-slightly kidding). Anyway. At least there are some things that stick-like my family, religion and all that goes with it, sewing and baking. If you didn't make the list, that may be a bad sign.

The mouse and the snake were returned to nature unharmed, much to my chagrin.

I beguiled on account of the serpent

A little family drama unfolded last night when Jason announced there was a snake in the cupboard and retrieved my shotgun from the bedroom. To keep the peace I all out lied to Reno and said that daddy was mistaken and sent him to bed. After Reno was asleep and we searched each cupboard, he was found on top of the cupboards, about an 8 foot climb in all. We mistook him for a rattler, but quickly realized that he wasn't rattling and that it was a bull snake (not venomous). So we called for braver reinforcements and Travis and Tuey came to our aid. Travis got him down to the counter and Tuey--so brave-- grabbed him with kitchen tongs at one end and fencing pliers on the other. We put him in a bin and closed the lid. We planned to let him out down the road so he wouldn't find his way back into the house. And there is also the matter of snake proofing our home... how does one go about doing that little chore?

Well, I told Reno the truth today and the kids were fascinated with him-still in the bin and yeah he is ok. So I go to my bathroom to change my clothes (we had been to the temple all day) and there is a mouse on the bathroom counter. He climbs into a vase of flowers, which was his home it turns out, and you guessed it. We decided to bring a little Discovery Channel home to enjoy and gave him to the snake. No action yet, but we are hopeful. Regardless of life or death, we will return them both to nature tomorrow after church.

And as for the lie, he forgave me in his excitement over the reptile and I vow to be honest with my kids from here on out. In my defense, we had to get up at three this morning and I knew if he knew there was a snake in the house last night he would have ended up in my bed. But like I said. No excuses. From now on, honest with my fellow man and all that jazz.

I cannot control my children...and perhaps will not

This may not come as a surprise to anyone, other than myself... and actually I had an inkling. Last night, coming home from Miller Creek we saw some wild turkeys and Reno and I decided they were running from us so they wouldn't end up in our turkey sandwiches. Effie digested this information and promptly announced she would not eat any more animals. I didn't take it too seriously, and she didn't either as she inhaled her chicken nuggets at lunch today, but the seed was planted and I am a little worried that when she realizes that it actually came from an animal we will have a revolution. Bring it on, little girl.
Back to me, and my lack of control on the little people I created. Reno drew a whale and some people riding on his back (his interpretation of Surf's Up) on the wall at his daddy's office today and Ava threw a tantrum and went to bed without finishing her banana (and could therefore not have the chocolate chip cookies she was really after). In contemplation I understand that my job is not to control who they are and what they become, however it is becoming more clear that each day's events shape their personalities and outcomes. So my job is to what? Let her be a vegetarian? Not likely(I am kidding, but I will do my best to persuade her). I go forth from this moment with a new resolve to provide a creative outlet for that little artist as well. As for the fruit before sweets rule, I cannot budge. Its for your own good Ava.

I am stressed...according to Dr. H

Yeah, so that rumor turned out to be only that-unless my doctor is wrong too. So we will table that idea, and chalk it all up to stress, which is the best suggestion he can offer. I also wonder why they go to school at all, with all we don't know why this happens, or how it happens, or this is common in children this age (referring to Effie now). Same with when you actually are pregnant, and you get a funny rash or a pain in an odd body part, the answer is the same--"sometimes when a woman is pregnant, these things happen," so now the baby can be blamed for a doctor not being able to properly diagnose your symptoms. But as soon as you have the baby, those same symptoms (headaches, in this particular example) are easily explained and cured. Perhaps the reason is that a pregnant women can take almost no medication beyond Tylenol and it is therefore easy to just have the mother grin and bear it since it isn't life threatening.
To close this little rant, I will say that I am actually grateful for doctors and all their expertise. I just get a little tired of Reno's doctor asking me if he has asthma or not, cuz isn't that his job? Anyway, and as for the thing that is not to be, it will be soon enough so just hold that thought for a month or two.

There may be something there that wasn't there before

We are in our second and final week of Dance Camp; this week is the Nutcracker, sort of a Christmas in July kind of a deal. I will actually be glad when we can just start the normal dance schedule in September. Two in preschool, one in ballet, and one in gymnastics (if he has his way, as dance is for girls, but he would like to do gymnastics)-we will be like a normal family, with places to go and schedules to keep-note that I said like, because we will never be normal. It will be interesting to say the least.

And on another note-there is the little something that is not quite real yet but real enough to cast a shadow over every space it touches. I try to spring clean (I know it is summer, but we who have small children are given leeway concerning actual seasons, and cleaning itself for that matter) and waver between storing things that will one day belong to a little something and keeping them out. I want to eat (its more than that really), but a little something keeps rejecting my ideas in favor of cookie dough and pizza--anything that doesn't actually have to been cooked as the effort becomes too much for the both of us. I want to sleep or need to be up, and there is always a little something throwing off my schedule. Then again, this is all just an unconfirmed rumor, but the thought of another little something has turned my world around... not an unwelcome turn mind you. Until then, I will live in the shadows it casts, and pick out names (Levi, Tate, Reid, Livy, or Rory perhaps).

It begins

Effie stepped into a new world this week as she became a ballerina princess in her "Be a Princess" dance camp. It was five days of ballet slippers, leotards, and slicked back ponytails and buns, pulled tight by a frustrated and perhaps slightly sweaty mom who just wanted her daughter's baby-fine and stick straight hair to look perfect. I easily ignored her tears and pleading that I was hurting her. Which brings me to my point. It has begun. For me, not so much her. I can already see her at fifteen, in her pointe shoes, bitter and emaciated (bulimia or anorexia?), hating me and ballet. Not that I want this or the eating disorder, which I do take seriously (not a problem for us at this point though). But will I be the mother who pushes her daughter? I only ask because I really want her excel. I want to see her in pointe shoes and defying gravity. Not to the point that I would force her, but I just honestly think that ballet is so amazing and can see myself walking a fine line. I guess its good for me that she loves to do it, and by the time she is done with it, I will be happily able to obsess about her playing softball or barrel racing, or cheer leading, or maybe something cool I don't even know about. Anyway, I will keep control of my emotions and projecting and vicarious living. But she cannot escape the tight ponytails. On that issue I will not budge--also it is a requirement of the studio, so I have principle on my side (this time!).

We are a happy fam-i-ly

Adding pictures to my site is more complex than I expected, so for now, I will leave this picture of our family in the post and will work on a more permanent solution another time.

This is an order...

Since tomorrow is the Fourth of July, listen to the song on my playlist. You will get to hear a great song and I will pretend that you all know who he his and love him.

There is no justice (at least for now)

So Reno fears tornadoes and I was thinkin that I could help him by showing him what they looked like, because up until now its only a word that means terror. So we start looking at the YouTube videos of tornadoes and what pops up during a video? Wait for it... yeah you guessed. A picture of a clown with sharpened teeth so frightening that I almost started shrieking--I know it was Pennywise and that just opens up a whole bunch of locked doors in my mind. Controlling my own fear, I grabbed his head and forced him not to look as I removed the picture. About that time he starts screaming and crying thinking I have scared him on purpose. So one, there is no justice in that I was truly trying to allay the fear that Jason unwittingly created and have now caused a terror for Reno, that is in my mind a whole lot more valid than an act of nature. That which is unnatural always did pose a greater threat to my fragile psyche. I mean come on, I still have rules for my monsters. And two, there is no justice in this world for the *!#%$&^ who put that right in the middle of that tornado footage. You cannot fathom the depth of my anger at the fact that he has fear because someone else decided to scare him. But I have learned a lesson. At least it wasn't something sexual because that would have bothered me more. But still.

A few notes...

Hi Linds, I love you too and does your mom know what you are up to on the internet little girl? Yes, well good then. Tell Seth and Tuey lol. Also, that I ate about four brownies yesterday. Seth will understand, Tuey I am certain will not.
And to Auntie, when I first looked up Singin in the Rain on the playlist site I was upset to see Sinatra and almost passed it by cuz I was annoyed to think that he had covered it--I like him but some things should be left alone. But I gave it a listen and was satisfied with what I heard. I ignore the mis-credit. And to Big Tymers- I am not sure about the Gilligan's Island part, but its a song Chick and I loved when we were big timers in California and brings back a few memories. I am not sure what memories I would conjure up if I heard the Gilligan's Island song, but it can't be good. My childhood, summertime, mother, sibling rivalry, and of course the Skipper...I don't like the direction this has taken. So I will stick to my little thug song. And also, I echo others when I say that I am not content reading your comments. I would like to read your blog so get to it.

I will think twice before insulting my spouse

I told Jason what I wrote about him being a pansy and that I felt bad about saying it, and he said it wasn't a big deal. However, I have guilt. So to purge that feeling, I will tell you five things that I love about him and his very manly ways.
1. The man can finish concrete. If you have never seen this done by a professional, it takes a lot of strength and let me tell you...never mind, I'll tell him. Let me just say its a pretty sexy feat.
2. He is not afraid of heights. Is that not a big deal? I don't know; nearly every night I have a nightmare involving heights and they scare the crap outta me--please don't analyze my dreams, no Daniel wannabes opinion on why I fear heights.
3. He is best daddy to our children. Enough said.
4. He has no personal hobbies or plans--everything in his life includes his family.
5. He puts up with me, and furthermore, he loves me. You know me, that says it all.

I love you Jason.

72-hour kit, anyone?

My husband is a pansy. For the reader's sake-hi honey-- I will clarify. He is a great provider and father, but he is a scared of nearly everything. If there is a noise outside, he checks on it while toting my shotgun. He will hardly go out to the truck to get things after dark, and if he has to he always asks me to go do it, if not then will I go with him, and then if not will I at least stand by the door and watch to make sure he is safe. Well his newest fear is the severe weather and the possibility it presents of tornadoes. Because this is his first season of actually living here nearly full time in three years, he is not taking it well. Twice we have had to flee our home because he deemed it unsafe. This hysteria, yes hysteria, has frightened my children to their core. I now pray with them several times a day that tornadoes won't get us, that storms will pass, that Heavenly Father won't let anything get us. If there are even dark clouds in the sky, I have to wipe the tears from Reno's face and promise him safety--is there such a thing anyway? Well I harbor a bit of resentment for his panic-induced introduction of this tangible fear of nature to my children. I really enjoy storms, but now brace myself for a night of terror each time I feel the wind change. I assure you not one single word in here is dramatized. I cannot wait until we have our tornado shelter installed, which should be in a few weeks. It will give them all a sense of security that for the kids has not come through prayer as easily as it has for Jason. When it is ready, I will move Jason and the kids down into it, and will watch each storm roll through in peace. Until then, I will continue to comfort those who stand in need of comfort.

Still, just the mama

My inlaws have returned home after a week of visiting. For me this means a return to being needed and wanted, as when the grandparents are around I am for the most part invisible. It has been a little vacation within my own home, however I stil had to cook, clean, and all that...so it was actually not that great at all. But it was nice to see them and they helped with all the home repairs and painting, and they bought us a trampoline. So I will face my return to motherhood boldly, a return to the love and tenderness that accompanies these sacred duties. Especially since the kids are spending most of the time outside on the new trampoline, and I am inside cooking and cleaning and all that.

I am a girl

I guess I do like pink. This admission is one that really kinda shakes me. I have this image of me that is all tomboy and no frills (as I type this I am wearing a shirt that says princess across the front…perhaps my self-delusional is deeper than even I expected). But t-shirt aside, I let Eff pick out the paint colors of her room—pink with pink and pink she said—and we settled on pink with purple and yellow. But now that its up on the wall, I really like it. This perhaps tells me that I have softened too much, now that I have two girls, one starting ballet very soon. But for that girlie-girl trapped inside me, the bedroom rocks. And the real me, I will just pretend its too much, while secretly admiring it.

Nothing to do?

I waste a lot of time. Perhaps even this, in and of itself, is a waste of time. My husband thinks I am working on a RS Newsletter, but I gave it up. It was a waste of time because it is the middle of the month. I had no idea. My credit card bills had a suspicion, but they neglected to speak up. Does a $40 late fee for forgetting to pay them mean that I not only waste my time, but my husband's as well since his time actually is money? Perhaps, and that is another thing we will keep to ourselves. But to get back to that waste of time thing I started with, I would rather make a list of what to clean and organize that to actually do these tasks. I am discovered. Good bye.

A beginner's warning

I will start a blog. I have so much to say and no audience--which is fine. I am happy just to put it out there. Its interesting that a journal and husband can leave me wanting for a further outlet for my musings, but that is just the way it is when you are knee deep in motherhood and self-discovery. And on this blog I make no promises about being concise, spelling words right, or even being coherent. This is my own. That is just about right.